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Unicorns to be prescribed instead of antibiotics

Plans are being mooted to prescribe unicorns instead of drugs to patients in the wake of the antibiotics apocalypse.

Health bods have decreed that if people keep taking antibiotics for the most minor of ailments we will reach a point when antibiotics fail to treat any kind of infection. As a result they have come up with a fail safe scheme to counteract the problem – and that is the prescribing of unicorns instead of antibiotics.

Doctors said they were sick of having to give out antibiotics to people suffering from virus-based coughs or snivels, or mild infections, which they are constantly telling people clear up in their own good time. This precious medication, they say, should be reserved for treating patients with the most serious of medical needs, such as before and after surgery or during a course of immune system-battering chemotherapy.

They stressed that if patients continue to insist on medication for minor infections then there will come a day in our living history when so many infections will be immune to antibiotics. Already 5,000 people a year die in Britain from infections which can no longer be treated by antibiotics and this number is only set to grow.

There will come a time when the survival from infection will be a matter of chance. A person could prick their finger on a rose thorn in the garden and the finger could become infected. That person could prove immune to any available antibiotics and as a result they could die.

In days gone by there were no antibiotics available to treat people with tuberculosis. Instead those fighting the disease were wheeled outside for fresh air and it was in the hands of fate whether they survived. We could go back to the days of rows of beds outside hospitals if we do not start being more responsible.

So this is where the unicorns come in and health bods have dismissed out of hand this is a placebo measure. They say it is a well known fact that unicorns have healing powers. They believe one nuzzle of a unicorn's nose or a stroke of its snowy white flank, accompanied by bed rest, could see patients previously craving antibiotics as right as rain in no time.

Ground up unicorn horn was indeed used in medicine up until the 1700's and was only stopped due to the cruelty of removing the magical unicorn's horns. There are far more humane ways around this however. The unicorn can simply dip its horn into a glass of water and due to the magical purifying properties of its horn, the water will turn into a restorative drink.

As for concerns there will not be enough unicorns to go round, doctors have expressed disbelief that any such worry could be put forward. Again they have done their homework and can guarantee there will be an endless supply of unicorns for all, as they are constantly being generated from little girls' imaginations.

The roll out of unicorn medicine could go even further than minor infections. There are even proposals for them to be prescribed to anyone suffering from a Brexit-related malady. A sip of purified unicorn horn water could help ease this constant confusion we have over whether we are heading towards a no deal, a deal or a bad deal Brexit for example.

A stroke of a unicorn's mane could ease the mind over why a woman who has coughed and spluttered her way through her leadership so far, before ending up prostrate at the feet of EU officials, is still in power.

Suggestions put to medical bods that Mrs May should be prescribed the unicorn cure were laughed off however. “The unicorns aren't that good”, one leading medical aficionado was heard to splutter.

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