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Bring me my bus, bellows Boris

In a secret lock-up somewhere off the M25, a double decker bus has been left to fester. Grime coats its once proud red coat, the tires have slowly sighed out their air, a banner slowly peels, like an over-cooked noodle, ground-wards, the letters NHS clinging on by remnants of glue.

The doors of the lock-up suddenly swing open and a thatch of springy blonde hair thrusts through.
“That's the one,” the thatch declares with the thrust of a podgy finger. “I want that one, back on the road by noon.”

A wiry foreman scratches his balding head. “It can't be done,” he replies falteringly. “It's not road-worthy. It failed its last MOT.”

As the discordant pair watch, the letters NHS give up the ghost and the bus' banner falls to the earth. Boris prods the pile of mildewed paper with the point of his shiny loafer. “Make it one o'clock”, he concedes.

Because that's right, Boris Johnson is back, and so is his bus - or at least the promise emblazoned on it - £350 million to the NHS each week if Britain leaves the EU.

Or perhaps he never really went away, despite Theresa May appointing him Foreign Secretary, which appeared to simultaneously allow her to keep her beady eye on him, whilst sending him off for weeks to far flung places.

However, all this time it seems Boris - a staunch leave campaigner lest we should forget - has been beavering away planning his next leadership challenge, with a hard Brexit at its heart.

Theresa May must have been none too pleased to see Boris' article in the Daily Telegraph over the weekend, which talked of the need to sever all ties from the European Union once March 2019 rolls around. This flies in the face of her plans for a 'status quo' Brexit, which will essentially see Britain unchanged for several years after 2019 as it continues to pay into the EU and enjoy perks such as the single market.

And what is extraordinary, even for Boris, is his gall in bringing back the claim the NHS will benefit so radically once Brexit is over – a fact which has proved to be financially flawed. Britain, it has been calculated, does not even pay as much as £350 million into the EU each week.

Besides, gone are the days when Boris was the blundering clown we all hated to love. When we would open our newspapers and allow ourselves a small guilty smile at photographs of him on a zip wire with a safety harness riding uncomfortably up into his nethers.


That ship has sailed Boris and so has your bus. Or rather, it has been towed to the knackers yard, along with your empty promises.

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